The last few weeks have been intense on all fronts. So many life-changing decisions are looming and I just cannot make any. My brain has officially shut down and can no longer keep thoughts, events and appointments straight. Do not even think about asking me what I did yesterday- if I don’t write it down and double check it there is about a 90% chance I will forget. On top of this I’ve been so angry (you can read more about that in my previous post).

Everyone tells me this is a normal part of the grieving process, but it has been so frustrating.

Throughout this trial the overall theme has been to “just wait”. Patience is definitely my weakness and time is more my enemy then my friend. In February I thought I had finally received my answer to move on and I jumped on it. My prayers changed from “what do I do” to “this is what I’m doing, stop me if it’s wrong”. From that point on frustration set in, jobs were lost, finances became heavy, and hope became a burden. My rebellious self pushed through every road block and insisted my decision was right and more importantly now is the time.

Two months later- little has changed and decisions are still pending. The last few weeks have been very humbling and I’ve been forced to look internally more than ever before. I don’t like what I see and realize I have much more work to do. Once again the prevailing theme has popped up repeatedly to “just wait”.

Almost a year ago, a dear friend of mine recommended a book to me “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

I bought it and then neglected it for months. A week ago it randomly showed up on my nightstand and I had the overwhelming feeling I needed to read it now. It has been the most triggering book yet the most helpful. My therapist told me today that “sometimes the most triggering experiences bring the most healing”. As far as this book goes her statement rings true.

Have you ever had a reading experience, where a sentence or thought jumps off the page and smacks you in the face? I have quite often and it happened just this week when I came across the following statement:

My brain and heart went completely into rebellion mode and I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I DID need to make these decisions NOW and why I could NOT let go. God did not give up on me and threw several other “just wait” experiences my way. The most recent was the strongest and I could not longer deny the impression. It humbled me more than I have ever been humbled. As I said my bedtime prayer tonight, this thought entered my head:

“The next step is not yours to take”

In that moment I was not alone and he was telling me I need to wait not so I can learn patience but because he has the next move. My life is like a game of chess (which I’m horrible at) it’s hard, long and requires a great deal of skill and logic. I’ve been trying to move, yet I feel like someone or thing keeps moving me back to the same place. Growing frustrated I failed to ask “why”. The answer is it is not my turn.

I am slowly learning to put my trust in god, put him in the drivers seat and try my hardest to not be a backseat driver. My sense of urgency and desperation stems from myself and throughout this trial my God has been quietly saying “There is always enough time”.

I just dished myself up a big slice of humble pie for I know this might take awhile.