I’ve often heard the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result. If true, every mother fits the bill. For example, my little guy is obsessed with trains, and when I say obsessed I mean he eats with trains, sleeps with trains, only watches movies about trains, his favorite outing is to the train shop, and for his upcoming birthday all he wants is trains! At least he is easy to please, and potty training last weekend was much easier than expected due to the fact he was rewarded with trains! Ha ha! Anyways I digress… We have a large tote of wood tracks and trains which he plays with for hours. Just today he built an elaborate (for an almost 3 year old) track, then went downstairs to play with his sister. I was cleaning up the house and started putting the tracks away- just as I put the last item in the tote I hear him scream NO! He comes running upstairs in tears saying “no no no mommy, don’t put my trains away”! Two seconds later he had dumped the entire box back all over the floor.

I shook my head, wonder why I even try, then go to another room and start straightening it up. Sounds like insanity to me.

This whole single mommy thing is hard. For 5 years I’ve had the privilege of being a stay at home mom. To quote Charles Dickens it was “the best of times and the worst of times”. Giving that up for 3 days a week as well as the nights and weekends they are with their dad has been hard. I hate it, yet it is nice to have some alone time. To take a long bubble bath without toys (or a fully dressed toddler) being thrown in, or sleep all night.

Through this ordeal so many people have reached out to my children and me, I am constantly amazed how someone knows to leave dinner on my doorstep just when I need it most or send a text of love at the precise moment I’m sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. It has made me think a lot about true connection and how we obtain it. Brene Brown said:

“true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance”

The last year my emotions have been raw and close to the surface. Even though I try to hide behind a mask of strength and confidence, frequently that scared, betrayed, and heartbroken little girl breaks through with only the simple question “How are you?” Ashamed I stuff it back in and reply “Good” and quickly walk away. Even the other day I was talking to my dear friend about how I was desperately praying not to cry during mediation. To which she answered “Why? Why is crying so bad?” Somehow I have always equated crying to weakness, instead of what it truly is a physical reflection of my emotions. As I’ve been holding on to that paper thin mask, I have pushed away so many chances of connection.

Giving birth to a child is an automatic initiation into an elite club called mother-hood. It can connect you to millions of women who will see your toddler screaming on the floor of a grocery store and instead of a judgemental look they smile and say “You are doing a great job”, or today as I left my 2 children screaming at daycare so I could make it on time to an appointment, I walked by another mom bringing her annoyingly happy child in. She simply smiled a knowing smile and said “Just breath”. I walked to my car feeling a sense of camaraderie and connection to this stranger, instead of defeat and mommy guilt.

As moms, women or just human beings we need connection. Standing together is much easier than standing alone. I’m reminded of a silly object lesson I had in seminary years ago. Where the teacher gave a single pencil to a student and asked him to break it. He easily could, then the teacher handed him a bunch of pencils and asked him to break them. He of course couldn’t. Heavenly Father put us in families, and communities because he knew this. He knew each one of us was going to struggle and did not want us to be alone. No matter the trial or tribulation, Heavenly Father and Jesus are there and often it is in a connection with a living person. I’m learning to open up and be vulnerable; to let my imperfections show and to seek true connections. Let’s just all be real : there is already enough fake in the world.