My Story

The Words I Cannot Write

/ Looking For The Rainbow / 4 Comments

Divorce…divorce…divorce.

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Writing that word breaks my heart and is the reason I have not written a post for a few months. I haven’t wanted to see it, hear it or even think it. Many times during my marriage we’d discuss divorce, and how we just could not see how people got to that point. We always agreed “divorce was not an option”. Sadly now it is my only option. I’ve waited 18 months for him to change his mind and come home, yet he has not. It is time to move forward.

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As our first hearing date looms forward, I’ve been flooded with memories and torturing myself with photographs. I try to look for the good, but each one is now tainted with what was going on in the background and what he swears he was feeling or not feeling. Countless therapy appointments and hours of talking with family and friends about how it has NOTHING to do with me (which I do believe). However in the lonely moments, it’s hard not to think it had something to do with me. To him I was/am not worth trying for.

Lies…lies…lies.

In my patriarchal blessing there is a line “Satan continues to be a great deceiver”. I do believe this with my whole heart, and I have hope for my futures. The only problem is it kinda sucks right now.

Growing Pains

/ Looking for the Rainbow / 1 Comment

  “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” John 14:18

“Who’s going to help me?” I woke with a start, trying to figure out what was going on. I heard tears and quickly realized it was my little girl crying from across the hall. I looked at my phone to see it was only 1 AM. I rolled out of bed trying to not disturb my sleeping 2 year old, who had ran to my room only a hour prior.

Trying to muster up any sweetness I could to not sound cranky I said “Sweetie, whats wrong?” Amid tears and heavy breathing she showed me her ankles and said “Mommy they hurt”. I quickly understood what had woken her up and I sat on her bed to explain growing pains. I tried rubbing her legs, but she said that just made it worse. So in desperation I finally gave in and gave her some Tylenol. It may have been the placebo effect but she quit whining instantly and dried her tears on my pajama shirt. She then told me “Mom you can cuddle with me now”. I smiled and laid with her for a few minutes at least until I heard her breathing become steady. I kissed her cheek and went back to bed.

Meanwhile my son had decided he needed to take up as much of the queen sized bed as he could, so I had to move his little 28 lb body over to make some room for me. Then I just laid there, which has become rather frequent these days I just couldn’t get back to sleep.

My mind began to wander and I couldn’t get her cry for help out of my head “Who’s going to help me?” Oh how I knew how she felt. My heart broke for not only my five year olds’ desperation, but also for all my pleas asking for the same thing “Who’s going to help me?”.

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I thought about what I told her, about how it hurts now but it actually is a good thing. It means she is growing and will become stronger and bigger. She complained that it wasn’t worth it, and I chuckled. Being a mother has given me so many insights into how our Heavenly Father must feel about us. I imagined him waking up and coming to me all those times that I had made a similar plea (even when I didn’t feel him near). He too came to comfort me, he listened to my whining about how it’s just not fair, this isn’t the way it is supposed to happen, and I did everything right (didn’t I). I imagined him gently stroking my hair and telling me “Oh Sweetie, I know it hurts now, but just wait. You can’t grow without the pain.” Tears came to my eyes and for the first time in awhile I truly felt his arms around me. As I’m typing this up I have the same feeling as I did last night. Yes this happened just last night. It may be almost a year away from the traumatic night, but my heart still yearns for help. I am still his broken little girl yearning for his love.

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It hurts today, but someday I will look back and see how much I’ve grown. In the meantime, I know my Heavenly Father will not leave me comfortless. However I wouldn’t mind some sort of heavenly Tylenol for the pain.

 

Angels that Carried Me

/ Looking For The Rainbow / 2 Comments

“Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands” D&C 121:9

I love the story about Joseph Smith in the Liberty Jail. For those of you who are LDS I’m sure you know it well, in fact section 121 is the go to section when you’re going through trials and tribulations. For those who are not LDS here’s a quick synopsis: Joseph Smith and his companions were imprisoned at Liberty Jail a small, dank Missouri Jail for 4 months. The guards were coarse and vulgar towards them, food was contaminated and the odor was horrific. For more information click here.

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A few nights after “D-Day” while I was staying at my parents house and definitely in the “why me” phase. I turned to this section, hoping to find some kind of solace or at least feel some camaraderie with Joseph Smith by sharing in his agony and depression (misery loves company-right?).

When I read the famous words “O God, where art thou?” tears immediately filled my eyes. This was the same question I had asked repeatedly over the last several days and I continue to ask at times today. Tears continued to flow as he continued asking why is god hiding from him, and why is he letting all these horrible things happen to him. After all Joseph Smith had done for God’s church and people, he just couldn’t understand why the Lord had not intervened and protected him from these horrible, wicked people. The Lord comforts Joseph with these famous words “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity shall be but a small moment”.

I stopped reading and just sat there, waiting. I’m not quite sure what I was waiting for but whatever it was just didn’t come. I began pleading with God saying where is my peace and how can this be but a small moment. I begged for him to take this all away or at a minimum give me peace and show me what my path holds. Basically, I just wanted to know the end of the story.

Still silence…I felt nothing. Begrudgingly I kept reading “Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands”. Instantly I felt the truth of these words- names and faces immediately came to my mind. Most were family since at this point only my family knew what was going on and only a single friend even knew something was up.

The dark pit I was in was horrendous, and at times I felt so so so alone. However at that moment my eyes were opened and I saw all my angels, both living or dead.

When my husband revealed everything to me, my immediate thought was how do I hide this? How do I keep anyone from knowing this deep dark secret? I felt ashamed, embarrassed and unworthy. My husband was actually the one who told me to call my parents, that he needed me to have their support. How horrible were those thoughts, but nonetheless they were mine.

As I read that verse, I was terrified of where I’d be if I hadn’t made that phone call and the many others that were made on my behalf. My pep squad was assembled almost immediately and every one of them pulled out a ladder and climbed down into my pit. It started about by just holding me and letting me cry. Later I grew angry and they took the brunt of my anger. Other times it was to be a distraction, and the most important was when they just loved my children.

I was a mess that first week, and my children got front row seats to a show they never should have been to. My parents and siblings were always there to jump in and take care of my kids. To show them the love they needed while their home was falling apart around them and so was their Mommy.  My family and friends came to me without me asking and oh did they hail me. They continue to come and I have met so many wonderful people on this journey. So many rallied around me, even ones I hardly knew. My greatest blessing has been all those warm hearts and friendly hands.

There is a painting called “She Will Find What is Lost” by Brian Kershisnik. My dear friend first introduced it to me, and since then it has become a permanent fixture in my home as well as my heart. The women it depicts is me, you and at some point every single women in this world. So often we feel alone, yet if we only looked up we’d find countless of angels (living and dead) who are reaching for us.

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I love what the painter says about his picture. Brian writes, “My intention for this piece was to speak to the most intensely private and intimate kind of supernatural interference, influence, and assistance… Many unseen forces are interested in you, love you, and work to influence matters for your profound benefit. Most of what we all do is resist it, misinterpret it, or mess it up, but my experience indicates that these unseen efforts persist impossibly. I thank God for that.”