You are ENOUGH You are SO ENOUGH! It’s UNBELIEVABLE how ENOUGH you are!!!

One of the hardest things I struggle with is the feeling I’m not enough. I am not enough as a mother, sister, daughter, friend, Mormon, and most of all a wife. This is something I battle with daily, and especially on the nights I’m alone. Being alone was simply not something I should deal with. I got married and had kids, just like every good little Mormon girl should. What did I do wrong? Nothing I tell myself. Absolutely nothing. I am in no ways claiming I am perfect, but I try oh boy do I try.

As a little girl my mom always went all out for Holidays. I remember she pulled the china out for Valentine’s Day, dyed mashed potatoes green for St. Patrick’s Day, spent hours making just the right costumes for Halloween, and wrapped every single present in our stockings for Christmas. As a wife and mom I try to follow her example. My husband loves holidays as well and I tried to make every one special. I remember our first Valentine’s Day after our wedding, I tediously attempted to make a red velvet cheesecake cake. I do like to bake, yet never had I EVER even done a double layer cake, so I must have been crazy taking on a quadruple layer cake (is quadruple even a word?).

My husband always treated me special as well and that night he made a delicious dinner and brought me flowers. I was happy and this was all I ever wanted. Throughout our entire marriage I just wanted to make him happy and to support him. I even remember at one point offering to refinance our home for him to start a business. So I knew I didn’t do anything wrong, so the only answer was that I was not enough. I was not enough to love, not enough to trust, and most of all not enough to try.

For Christmas this year, my mom helped my little girl fill a stocking for me. Inside was a little box and the box held the most perfect present. A simple necklace with the words YOU ARE ENOUGH. On the back an inscription read Love, Dad and Mom. A simple gift yet, it spoke to me. It told me I was enough. All the months of telling myself the opposite came crashing down and laid broken on the floor. I am enough.

I was about 8 or 9 and had recently received a bike, and a beautiful sparkly bike lock. We lived close to our elementary school and I remember one day my friends and I begged our parents to let us ride our bikes to school. Overjoyed once they agreed, we set off. It was so freeing and grown-up to ride to school, plus it took less than half the time to get there so we had more time to play hands-up stands-up before the bell rang.

Once at school I pulled my beautiful bike lock out and secured my bike. My OCD nature made me check it and then recheck it before running off to play. After school ended, I went out to my bike and found my lock missing. My bike was there and to most kids that would be all that mattered. However I loved my lock and my innocent little heart couldn’t comprehend why anyone would steal it.

I drove home in tears, and even my friends couldn’t understand why. I walked into my house, straight past my mom who was on the phone, and went into my brother’s room. Seconds later my mom walked in and asked what was wrong. With tears pouring my face, I told her the story and despite how silly I’m sure it sounded she just held me. I realized to her I was enough, my feelings mattered. In fact they mattered enough that she immediately ended her phone call and dropped everything for me.

There is enough heartache in the world, we don’t need to pile it on ourselves. Stop relying on others to find your worth, but if you do at least look to those who truly love you and know you. Look to those who stand by you, who trust you, and who want to be with you. Leave the rest of the world to sit in their unhappiness. I am enough, and so are you!

Last New Years my husband and I put the kids to bed (they were too young to care), cuddled on the couch and watched a super cheesy Christmas movie. When the movie ended we played games, first Monopoly which I won and then Blokus which he repeatedly won. When the ball dropped we kissed, and later in bed I had an overwhelming feeling that 2017 was not going to be my year. I quickly thought I was crazy and went to sleep.

Sadly the feeling quickly became reality.  My husband woke up with his cheek swollen and in pain. We watched it all day and by the evening he felt it was getting worse. We contacted a doctor through webcam, who told us to immediately go to the hospital for imaging. Feeling slightly silly we showed up at the ER. They sent him for imaging thinking it was nothing major, and we waited. It actually turned out to be a fun and very late night. We talked and joked. Teased about this being our first date of the year and probably the most expensive. He ended up having a very rare and serious infection which easily could have traveled to the brain. The doctor gave him a high dose of antibiotics through an IV, and then sent us home. The infection cleared up pretty quickly and we felt blessed we had caught it in time. The thought then came back to me that 2017 just wasn’t going to be my year.

A lot has happened including marital strife, a totaled car, and stolen credit cards just to name a few.  My feeling proved to be 100% true. Ironically 2 days ago, the second to last day of the year, was yet another ER visit. This time for my 2 year old son who decided it was a good idea to put a bead up his nose. The doctor easily removed it and all is well.

A lot of good things happened in 2017, but I have to say I’m so relieved it is over. While everyone else was counting down to Christmas, I was counting down to 2018. When midnight hit, I anxiously awaited the ominous feeling I had last year. The only thing I felt was peace and hope. Peace that I was exactly where I needed to be and hope for the New Year. Needless to say I’m excited for 2018. I know my trials and heartache hasn’t ended, but I have NOT given up yet!

Dear 2018, Bring it on! Let’s see what you got for me!

“There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who won’t even jump a puddle for you.” (quote sent to me by my beloved friend Mary)

Since I was a little girl I’ve always longed to have someone jump an ocean for me. I remember dreaming of my prince charming slaying dragons, climbing towers, and overcoming all obstacles for me.  I always saw myself as an independent women who was fighting for my own happiness, but is it so wrong to want a little chivalry in my life. I remember my first episode of rejection happened in elementary school with my very best friend. For some silly reason she chose to play with someone else and we didn’t play with each other for the entire 15 minute recess. That may seem petty but for a young girl I remember feeling devastated she chose someone else to play with. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. This continued on and off with this friend until we were sophomores in High School, when I finally drew the line and was done. I can’t remember all the details, but I remember being in the hallway by our lockers crying. I didn’t know what to do, but then I remembered what class my older sister was in. I went and found her and without hesitation she left her class to be with me. Now I need to explain my sister and I were not close. We had very little in common and were both at the age where being friends with your sister is forbidden. This moment changed everything, and she quickly became my best friend.

When my life decided to crumble, she was once again one of the first I called (right after my parents). It was about midnight that I loaded up my car and left my house with my sleeping kids. We were headed to my parents which was an hour and a half drive. About 20 minutes in it started to snow, and my resolve was quickly wearing thin. I knew there was no way I could make it there on my own. Once again I called my sister and yet again she came to my rescue without any hesitation.

Eventually I’ll get to the story of that night, but I’m just not quite ready yet. Although I will say that although the one person I wanted more than anything to jump that ocean for me has as of yet not even offered to jump a puddle. However in the months that followed I’ve had countless family members and dear friends who have jumped multiple oceans for me at a seconds notice. I’m excited to share so many of these stories over the coming months.