Two years ago tonight- was the night everything changed. All week I worried about what tonight would bring, what emotions I’ve kept hidden deep in the corners of my heart. A few friends have stopped by or texted to check in, but it’s been a relatively normal day. I’ve tried to stay busy, we woke up early to get ready for 9 am church, kids were surprisingly well-behaved throughout sacrament meeting. Primary was once again a whirl-wind of an hour. We came home, I made lunch that the kids didn’t want to eat. Then I decided I’d make a nicer dinner. I invited Jake and Michelle to come eat with us.

The kids helped me make homemade pasta for spaghetti and french bread. Then we spent a few hours playing, had FHE and the kids fell asleep quickly.

At one point today, I found myself cuddling with both kids on the couch in the very spot I sat 2 years ago. For a brief minute I let myself go back to that night, and feel the whirlwind of emotions. I could picture every detail, and even remembered the small pile of clothes on the floor waiting to be folded. I remember the moment I realized everything would be different, my muscles began to tense and my head became dizzy. Just then Ollie brought me back to reality, asking for a drink of water he was “so thirsty”. I quickly obliged and brought it back to him. I looked at my kids cuddling together watching a silly kid show, and I realized I was happy. We had survived.

After the kids fell asleep, I walked through my quiet house. So much has changed in the last 2 years: new pictures adorn the walls and trivial decorations have been exchanged for ones that hold meaning. What strikes me the most is the feeling- its’ peaceful, its’ contentment and its’ a tinge of excitement. The first year was of pure survival, the second year of healing, and the third year is going to be of moving forward. I’m excited for that.