Divorce…divorce…divorce.

Writing that word breaks my heart and is the reason I have not written a post for a few months. I haven’t wanted to see it, hear it or even think it. Many times during my marriage we’d discuss divorce, and how we just could not see how people got to that point. We always agreed “divorce was not an option”. Sadly now it is my only option. I’ve waited 18 months for him to change his mind and come home, yet he has not. It is time to move forward.

As our first hearing date looms forward, I’ve been flooded with memories and torturing myself with photographs. I try to look for the good, but each one is now tainted with what was going on in the background and what he swears he was feeling or not feeling. Countless therapy appointments and hours of talking with family and friends about how it has NOTHING to do with me (which I do believe). However in the lonely moments, it’s hard not to think it had something to do with me. To him I was/am not worth trying for.

Lies…lies…lies.

In my patriarchal blessing there is a line “Satan continues to be a great deceiver”. I do believe this with my whole heart, and I have hope for my futures. The only problem is it kinda sucks right now.