The first time I saw my daughter, I was 12 weeks pregnant and the doctor was pointing at some odd shape on the ultrasound screen. I had no idea what she was pointing at, then all of a sudden it jumped or it at least looked like it had jumped. At that moment this was all real. Fast forward 28 weeks…the nurse laid Heidi on my chest and she welcomed me into motherhood by pooping- ha ha.

As a young girl I LOVED to play house and dreamed of having babies…hundreds of babies…I remember saying I want lots of babies but no husband (boys still had cooties at that age). As I grew up I wanted a husband and at max 4 babies. While I was waiting to find “Mr. Right” I earned a bachelors, interned in DC, moved to Salt Lake, dated, and started a Masters Degree. It took me longer than I had wanted to find him, but when I did I felt he was worth the wait. 2 weeks before our 2nd wedding anniversary, Heidi was born to a terrified first time mother.

During the first year of Heidi’s life this quote frequently came to me, and I was determined not to fail. When she was 2 months old I returned to work part-time. Every morning I felt guilty and anxiety consumed me while I was away. She repaid my leaving her, by rolling over for her dad and her nanny before me. I only lasted 5 months at work and decided I needed to be home.

Two years later I had Ollie and between the two of them I stayed busy, anxious, and tired but very happy.

This was it, this was the perfect “Mormon” mom life.

In early 2017, “D” day struck, and on the way to my parents the thought “I’m done having kids” came to my mind. It broke me. We had planned on 4, and were getting ready to start trying for the third. Since then I have worked hard at telling myself about all the pros to being done; no more morning sickness, stretch marks, labor, attempting and failing at breast feeding, sleepless nights, 3 am feedings, diapers and the dreaded potty training. At times I could convince myself it was all ok, others it was harder. Today was one of those harder days.

The kids and I went to the zoo with some friends. I was exhausted before we even had shoes on, I called my friend and asked if she really wanted to go and she replied “yes”. I loaded the kids up, grabbed caffeine and headed to the zoo. We saw the new red pandas which was the only real reason I had agreed to come, kids had fun and it was beautiful day to get out.

The only problem was …all the pregnant women. I may be exaggerating but it really felt like 99% of the women at the zoo today were pregnant or had a baby strapped to them.

I know I’m so blessed having two kids and love them dearly, but today was a hard day to think I’m done with the endless hours of perusing baby name books, googling every pregnancy symptom to make sure it is normal, newborn smells, first smile, first giggle, first kiss and all the rest of the firsts.

The quote by David O. McKay has once again been very prevalent this last year. What once comforted me in my decision to stay home and be a mom, now made me feel like I had failed. The feeling of loss has been so daunting this last year. The loss of what I thought I had, what I wanted and my future plans- including 2 more children.

I’ve slowly been learning that letting go, faith and trust are interrelated. To have faith in god, I first must let go of my wants, my plans and even some of my desires, and trust god will provide for all my needs. Oh how that is hard and a battle I am fighting every second of everyday. All I can say is I am trying, and I’m sorry to any of the pregnant women at the zoo I may have given a dirty look.

I may or may not be done having kids, but I will treasure the ones I have. These children give me the motivation to get up every morning and try again. They make me smile and laugh even with a broken heart, and most of all they give me a greater understanding into how Heavenly Father feels about me. I love my children and my Heavenly Father loves his children. He is with me in my sad moments, just like I am for my children. He will hold me when I cry, listen when I yell, and guide me into the woman he knows I can be. He will never give up on me.