I’m so tired. Every muscle in my body aches. It may have something to do with the workouts I’ve been doing the last 2 nights (Core De Force), or it has something to do with the heaviness of this horrible trial I’ve been dealing with for the last year. Both reasons apply.

When I was little my mom said I was like a bull in a china shop; always moving and bouncing. My mom even nicknamed me “Bibbity Bobbity Boo”. Little did she know I had a secret fantasy of dragging my arm down a shelf full of glass ware, knocking them all down and watching them shatter on the floor.  To be quite honest I still often have this fantasy when walking down an aisle full of glass items. At some point I should bring this up to my therapist, I’m sure she would agree I have some suppressed anger (ha ha).

Anyways I do have a point to this story. Just over a year ago after a horrendous therapy appointment with my husband, I left in tears and completely beside myself. Once again I found myself at the verge of a breakdown and could not even comprehend what my feelings were. I was mad, I was sad, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I was hurt, and oh so many more emotions were pooling in my brain and heart.

Sobbing to the point of dry heaving, my sister in law and friend were trying to console me the best they could. My dear friend asked me what I needed to get my feelings out, what sounded good. I instantly thought of my fantasy of breaking things and said “I want to shatter dishes”.

We went to the dollar store and purchased a decent collection of dishes. I had no idea where to go, so we drove up the canyon and found a little turn off. I then proceeded to break, no to shatter every single dish we had. I screamed and cried with every throw. Watching the dishes shatter symbolized the shattered life I was in the midst of. I had no control over my life and watching how every throw was within my control and the dishes were powerless against the strength of my arm and the hardness of the rocks.

Did it fix anything? Not really. We picked up all the broken pieces and drove home, my life was still in shambles and my marriage was past the point of no return. However that moment was my first step toward acknowledging anger as a legitimate emotion.  We live in a society where anger has such a negative connotation. Especially as women, it is simply not ok to get upset or show anger. So often I have hid my true emotions, except happiness (even faking happiness at times). I’ve been so desperate to fit into that “low maintenance” mold I had decided was the ideal daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and employee.

My therapist gave me this quote during one of my first sessions. I’ve said it to my children many times. The last few months I’ve been working really hard to help my daughter understand her emotions and teach her it is good to feel emotions, but we have to be careful in what we do with them. Ironically through all of this I’ve still been stuffing mine in a little box, and hiding them deep within my closet. I’ve only allowed myself to feel certain emotions, at certain times and only with certain people. Anger has been one of the main emotions I have hidden away.

I’ve given my husband every benefit of the doubt and all the time in the world to “fix” himself. In the meantime I’ve tried my best to maintain the house and teach our children. What has come of this? He still wants a divorce and still doesn’t want me. I ask myself why? and I’ve come up with a thousand reasons but recently the one that sticks is “because he’s an idiot”. I’ve become angry. For the first time in a year, I have let myself feel true anger and instead of locking it in a box. I’ve embraced it.

I did not deserve this and he is an idiot for giving up on his family. It is all on him. His problems are his problems. The more and more I think about this the more and more angry I get.  Why wouldn’t I be angry? The man who promised me eternity, gave up and walked out. I shared things with him that he willingly discarded as trash.

No I don’t think staying angry is healthy, but I do think allowing anger in and expressing it is the best if not the only way to get through it. Tonight I went to group therapy, where they reminded me pent up emotions come out in devastating ways. Such as cancer, heart disease, depression, and other mental and physical illnesses.

So tonight I am mad! Mad about where my life is, mad about being alone, mad about the possibility of losing my home and mad my children are not here with me.  The anger is here, but like the quote my therapist told me “It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to be mean”. What I do with that anger makes the difference between it being healthy or harmful.

As much as I’d love to yell at my husband, key his car, or throw those dishes at him, I won’t. What good would it do anyway? Instead I went to group therapy and hit the walls with pool noodles, then I came home and did kickboxing. My anger has rescinded for the moment, and I feel more at peace. We’ll see what emotions tomorrow brings.