The last few weeks have been intense on all fronts. So many life-changing decisions are looming and I just cannot make any. My brain has officially shut down and can no longer keep thoughts, events and appointments straight. Do not even think about asking me what I did yesterday- if I don’t write it down and double check it there is about a 90% chance I will forget. On top of this I’ve been so angry (you can read more about that in my previous post).

Everyone tells me this is a normal part of the grieving process, but it has been so frustrating.

Throughout this trial the overall theme has been to “just wait”. Patience is definitely my weakness and time is more my enemy then my friend. In February I thought I had finally received my answer to move on and I jumped on it. My prayers changed from “what do I do” to “this is what I’m doing, stop me if it’s wrong”. From that point on frustration set in, jobs were lost, finances became heavy, and hope became a burden. My rebellious self pushed through every road block and insisted my decision was right and more importantly now is the time.

Two months later- little has changed and decisions are still pending. The last few weeks have been very humbling and I’ve been forced to look internally more than ever before. I don’t like what I see and realize I have much more work to do. Once again the prevailing theme has popped up repeatedly to “just wait”.

Almost a year ago, a dear friend of mine recommended a book to me “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

I bought it and then neglected it for months. A week ago it randomly showed up on my nightstand and I had the overwhelming feeling I needed to read it now. It has been the most triggering book yet the most helpful. My therapist told me today that “sometimes the most triggering experiences bring the most healing”. As far as this book goes her statement rings true.

Have you ever had a reading experience, where a sentence or thought jumps off the page and smacks you in the face? I have quite often and it happened just this week when I came across the following statement:

My brain and heart went completely into rebellion mode and I came up with a bunch of excuses for why I DID need to make these decisions NOW and why I could NOT let go. God did not give up on me and threw several other “just wait” experiences my way. The most recent was the strongest and I could not longer deny the impression. It humbled me more than I have ever been humbled. As I said my bedtime prayer tonight, this thought entered my head:

“The next step is not yours to take”

In that moment I was not alone and he was telling me I need to wait not so I can learn patience but because he has the next move. My life is like a game of chess (which I’m horrible at) it’s hard, long and requires a great deal of skill and logic. I’ve been trying to move, yet I feel like someone or thing keeps moving me back to the same place. Growing frustrated I failed to ask “why”. The answer is it is not my turn.

I am slowly learning to put my trust in god, put him in the drivers seat and try my hardest to not be a backseat driver. My sense of urgency and desperation stems from myself and throughout this trial my God has been quietly saying “There is always enough time”.

I just dished myself up a big slice of humble pie for I know this might take awhile.

I’m so tired. Every muscle in my body aches. It may have something to do with the workouts I’ve been doing the last 2 nights (Core De Force), or it has something to do with the heaviness of this horrible trial I’ve been dealing with for the last year. Both reasons apply.

When I was little my mom said I was like a bull in a china shop; always moving and bouncing. My mom even nicknamed me “Bibbity Bobbity Boo”. Little did she know I had a secret fantasy of dragging my arm down a shelf full of glass ware, knocking them all down and watching them shatter on the floor.  To be quite honest I still often have this fantasy when walking down an aisle full of glass items. At some point I should bring this up to my therapist, I’m sure she would agree I have some suppressed anger (ha ha).

Anyways I do have a point to this story. Just over a year ago after a horrendous therapy appointment with my husband, I left in tears and completely beside myself. Once again I found myself at the verge of a breakdown and could not even comprehend what my feelings were. I was mad, I was sad, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I was hurt, and oh so many more emotions were pooling in my brain and heart.

Sobbing to the point of dry heaving, my sister in law and friend were trying to console me the best they could. My dear friend asked me what I needed to get my feelings out, what sounded good. I instantly thought of my fantasy of breaking things and said “I want to shatter dishes”.

We went to the dollar store and purchased a decent collection of dishes. I had no idea where to go, so we drove up the canyon and found a little turn off. I then proceeded to break, no to shatter every single dish we had. I screamed and cried with every throw. Watching the dishes shatter symbolized the shattered life I was in the midst of. I had no control over my life and watching how every throw was within my control and the dishes were powerless against the strength of my arm and the hardness of the rocks.

Did it fix anything? Not really. We picked up all the broken pieces and drove home, my life was still in shambles and my marriage was past the point of no return. However that moment was my first step toward acknowledging anger as a legitimate emotion.  We live in a society where anger has such a negative connotation. Especially as women, it is simply not ok to get upset or show anger. So often I have hid my true emotions, except happiness (even faking happiness at times). I’ve been so desperate to fit into that “low maintenance” mold I had decided was the ideal daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and employee.

My therapist gave me this quote during one of my first sessions. I’ve said it to my children many times. The last few months I’ve been working really hard to help my daughter understand her emotions and teach her it is good to feel emotions, but we have to be careful in what we do with them. Ironically through all of this I’ve still been stuffing mine in a little box, and hiding them deep within my closet. I’ve only allowed myself to feel certain emotions, at certain times and only with certain people. Anger has been one of the main emotions I have hidden away.

I’ve given my husband every benefit of the doubt and all the time in the world to “fix” himself. In the meantime I’ve tried my best to maintain the house and teach our children. What has come of this? He still wants a divorce and still doesn’t want me. I ask myself why? and I’ve come up with a thousand reasons but recently the one that sticks is “because he’s an idiot”. I’ve become angry. For the first time in a year, I have let myself feel true anger and instead of locking it in a box. I’ve embraced it.

I did not deserve this and he is an idiot for giving up on his family. It is all on him. His problems are his problems. The more and more I think about this the more and more angry I get.  Why wouldn’t I be angry? The man who promised me eternity, gave up and walked out. I shared things with him that he willingly discarded as trash.

No I don’t think staying angry is healthy, but I do think allowing anger in and expressing it is the best if not the only way to get through it. Tonight I went to group therapy, where they reminded me pent up emotions come out in devastating ways. Such as cancer, heart disease, depression, and other mental and physical illnesses.

So tonight I am mad! Mad about where my life is, mad about being alone, mad about the possibility of losing my home and mad my children are not here with me.  The anger is here, but like the quote my therapist told me “It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to be mean”. What I do with that anger makes the difference between it being healthy or harmful.

As much as I’d love to yell at my husband, key his car, or throw those dishes at him, I won’t. What good would it do anyway? Instead I went to group therapy and hit the walls with pool noodles, then I came home and did kickboxing. My anger has rescinded for the moment, and I feel more at peace. We’ll see what emotions tomorrow brings.