I’ve often heard the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result. If true, every mother fits the bill. For example, my little guy is obsessed with trains, and when I say obsessed I mean he eats with trains, sleeps with trains, only watches movies about trains, his favorite outing is to the train shop, and for his upcoming birthday all he wants is trains! At least he is easy to please, and potty training last weekend was much easier than expected due to the fact he was rewarded with trains! Ha ha! Anyways I digress… We have a large tote of wood tracks and trains which he plays with for hours. Just today he built an elaborate (for an almost 3 year old) track, then went downstairs to play with his sister. I was cleaning up the house and started putting the tracks away- just as I put the last item in the tote I hear him scream NO! He comes running upstairs in tears saying “no no no mommy, don’t put my trains away”! Two seconds later he had dumped the entire box back all over the floor.

I shook my head, wonder why I even try, then go to another room and start straightening it up. Sounds like insanity to me.

This whole single mommy thing is hard. For 5 years I’ve had the privilege of being a stay at home mom. To quote Charles Dickens it was “the best of times and the worst of times”. Giving that up for 3 days a week as well as the nights and weekends they are with their dad has been hard. I hate it, yet it is nice to have some alone time. To take a long bubble bath without toys (or a fully dressed toddler) being thrown in, or sleep all night.

Through this ordeal so many people have reached out to my children and me, I am constantly amazed how someone knows to leave dinner on my doorstep just when I need it most or send a text of love at the precise moment I’m sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. It has made me think a lot about true connection and how we obtain it. Brene Brown said:

“true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance”

The last year my emotions have been raw and close to the surface. Even though I try to hide behind a mask of strength and confidence, frequently that scared, betrayed, and heartbroken little girl breaks through with only the simple question “How are you?” Ashamed I stuff it back in and reply “Good” and quickly walk away. Even the other day I was talking to my dear friend about how I was desperately praying not to cry during mediation. To which she answered “Why? Why is crying so bad?” Somehow I have always equated crying to weakness, instead of what it truly is a physical reflection of my emotions. As I’ve been holding on to that paper thin mask, I have pushed away so many chances of connection.

Giving birth to a child is an automatic initiation into an elite club called mother-hood. It can connect you to millions of women who will see your toddler screaming on the floor of a grocery store and instead of a judgemental look they smile and say “You are doing a great job”, or today as I left my 2 children screaming at daycare so I could make it on time to an appointment, I walked by another mom bringing her annoyingly happy child in. She simply smiled a knowing smile and said “Just breath”. I walked to my car feeling a sense of camaraderie and connection to this stranger, instead of defeat and mommy guilt.

As moms, women or just human beings we need connection. Standing together is much easier than standing alone. I’m reminded of a silly object lesson I had in seminary years ago. Where the teacher gave a single pencil to a student and asked him to break it. He easily could, then the teacher handed him a bunch of pencils and asked him to break them. He of course couldn’t. Heavenly Father put us in families, and communities because he knew this. He knew each one of us was going to struggle and did not want us to be alone. No matter the trial or tribulation, Heavenly Father and Jesus are there and often it is in a connection with a living person. I’m learning to open up and be vulnerable; to let my imperfections show and to seek true connections. Let’s just all be real : there is already enough fake in the world.

“If I have to go through this trial, then it will make me a better person”. Early on I remember telling my family and friends this exact statement. I wanted to fight- fight for myself, fight for my children, and most of all fight for my husband. I even had the thought once that this trial may just be the thing to strengthen our marriage and help us last into the eternities.

While I was doing all sorts of research on how to rebuild trust and heal from betrayal. I came across a talk given by Elder Larry W. Gibbons called “A Time for Faith, Not Fear” (Ensign, July 2013). So often talks speak of future blessings if one can but endure, others speak of the strength you’ll receive, but this one talks about acceptance. My personality is one to fix or plan my way out of trials. I have confidence in my abilities; however, this particular trial was not one I could fix or create a checklist to overcome.

In his talk Elder Gibbon’s quotes President Boyd K. Packer: “Faith, to be faith, must center around something that is not known. Faith, to be faith, must go beyond that for which there is confirming evidence. Faith, to be faith, must go into the unknown. Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness.”

“Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness”. This quote hit hard. Here I was peering into thick, black darkness and craving the light behind me. The cold blackness enveloped every part of me and encompassed my very soul. How on earth was I supposed to take a step?

During the month the kids and I were staying with my parents, I met with my parents bishop. My own bishop and stake president kept in touch as well, but it was this man who saw some of my darkest hours and thoughts those first few weeks. He had lost a child several years before, and I could tell he held no judgements only empathy for me. He counciled me to get back to the temple as soon as possible. He knew it was going to be a hard step, and similar to taking off a band-aid it had to happen quickly and oh so painfully.

On the evening we had scheduled to go, my heart was heavy. I texted my husband to please figure out what he wanted, so I could have some sort of hope. To which he did not respond. My mom and I drove to the temple on a cold, snowy February night. The fog was thick and I prayed for peace and comfort. Even when the light of the temple shone through the fog I still felt alone.

I quietly got dressed and met my mom. My whole being felt empty and heavy.  The session started and parts of it brought me to tears, and parts left me feeling empty. I felt proud of myself for mostly keeping it together, and my goal was just to survive. As I was preparing to enter the celestial room, I broke down. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t think and the poor sister helping me had no idea what to do.

I remember very little of what happened next, somehow I ended up in the Celestial room with my mom and I just cried. How did I end up here? How could this happen to me? Me! who was baptized at 8, graduated seminary, married in the temple, and always tried to follow the commandments. I had given up my career to stay home and raise my children like I thought I was supposed to do and here I was sitting in the temple knowing my marriage of 6.5 years was a lie.

My mom whispered- to look up. Ha- that was the last thing I wanted to do. I really just wanted to dig a hole and never come out. However I’ve never forgotten her saying that, even today during hard times her voice comes to me urging me to look up.

Elder Gibbon’s compared trials to a white water rafting trip “As we traveled down the river through the canyon, we would sometimes hear the roar of the rapids around the next bend. It was frankly a bit frightening. We were tempted to pull over and park the boat. But shooting the rapids, though a bit scary, turned out to be the best part of the trip.” Oh how I loved this! For I too have been on many rafting trips and felt the same thing.

As scary as it may seem faith truly is taking that first step into the darkness. I have taken many and so often felt I was walking alone. I have shouted, screamed, cried, begged and pleaded to someone I could not feel there.

I am yet again at the edge of new kind of darkness, the fog is thick and I’m about to take the next step of faith. My husband and I are starting divorce mediation this week, tomorrow actually. I am heartbroken and have prayed over and over to wake up from this horrible nightmare. I’ve waited a year for him to figure out what he wanted and despite all my best efforts this is still what he wants. For me, I just want to move on. I was hoping that could be with him, but for now it’ll be alone. I do not know what waits for me in the darkness ahead, but I believe President Thomas S. Monson when he said:

“There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us. My beloved brothers and sisters, FEAR NOT. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”

 

For the last year I’ve been on a roller-coaster, one I don’t remember buying a ticket or even waiting in line for. While happily on the Merry-Go-Round, I was suddenly ripped from my beautiful horse and dropped right on top of the longest, steepest and scariest roller-coaster far beyond anything I could have imagined. Recently I was discussing this exact thing with a dear friend, who as a side note I never would have met had it not been for this particular roller-coaster.

She said “I’m sure it is a roller-coaster. But like a roller-coaster it’s probably not safe to get off until it comes to a complete stop. Keep riding that roller coaster and know you are in others thoughts and prayers”.

Tonight as I sit on my couch contemplating the looming hill ahead of me, I am terrified. I wish more than anything to get off. At the same time there is a sense of excitement as to what is coming.

Last weekend was fun yet really hard. Opposition in all things has become my new norm. I realized some harsh realities of being a single mom.

I love to plan and I usually plan my children’s birthdays 2-3 months in advance.  My son is turning 3 the end of March, so my mind is in birthday mode. He LOVES trains and I decided to get him a train table for his birthday.

I googled top-rated train tables, compared pricing, looked into IKEA hacks and even found several plans to make one. I struggled finding a high quality sturdy table within my price range. Making one seemed overwhelming, and didn’t seem possible in the short time-frame, so I checked KSL classifieds.

I found one for a great price, still available and the owners said it was extremely sturdy. I scheduled a time to go look at it. Then it hit me, I had the kids and it was just ME.

Anxiety set in and the stories of crazy classifieds started to fill my head. I convinced myself, the seller was a child predator or a serial killer and I was walking with my children right into their house of horror.

My family lives too far away for a quick trip and my close friends were busy with their families and I didn’t even dare ask for help. I concocted a plan to Face-time my parents so if something happened they could send reinforcements. Ha ha- seriously this is where my anxiety ridden brain took me. I then remembered my fabulous neighbor down the street and had the thought to ask if she’d like to ride with me. She quickly responded YES and everything was good again.

The next day was exciting the kids slept in (lucky mom), we hurried and got ready for ballet class and made it just around the block when we had to turn around and go back home for the dance shoes. Making us late to ballet where I made the mistake of unbuckling my 2 year old without his permission.

Once the class ended I herded 2 children away from every rock, puddle and stick and to the car. My neighbor was ready and went to look at the table. The previous owners were sweet contrary to my predictions.

The night before I had measured my car 3 times to ensure the table would fit and the tape measured assured me it would. However 20 minutes of playing train table Tetris proved otherwise.

We dropped my neighbor off, and set out for a birthday present when we had to make an immediate detour to find a potty and eat lunch.

I was so exhausted by the end of the day. When I realized I had forgotten to buy 2 things I needed the next day. Looking at my two tires and whiney kids- I just knew if we left one of us wouldn’t make it back (odds were not in my favor). Once again a dear friend came to my rescue and ran to the store for me.

The next day was my little niece’s baby blessing. My parents offered to come to my house early to help me get my kids ready. My independent self wanted to say no and I’d be fine, but I wanted them to feel like they were helping so I said yes. They ended up saving me, for getting 2 children and myself ready is always more difficult than I think it’ll be. Then as we were heading out the door my mom reminded me to get the salad I had been asked to bring. I realized I had forgotten to put it all together. My mom immediately stepped in and pulled the salad together in minutes.

I officially have so much compassion for all the women and men who are doing this alone. I also understand why two parents are so vital. However situations are not always ideal in fact they rarely are! What could have been a disaster and ended in utter defeat and lots of tears, instead turned into a weekend where all I did was count my blessings. I was not left alone, once again my Heavenly Father sent rainbows my way.

I have been blessed with 2 of the cutest and happiest kids ever! I know all moms say that, but just look at them.

They were both pretty young when all of this started. My little boy was 2 months away from being 2 and my daughter was 4.5. I often wonder how they’re coping with it all. It has affected my daughter the most. I remember about a week after we had moved to my parents, she had a horrible temper tantrum. I cannot remember why, but I remember the devastation. It was close to bedtime and she was screaming and I was in tears outside her door. There was nothing I could do to help her. She began pounding on the door and I went in to just hold her. She started hitting me and just kept screaming. I was beside myself, my anxiety shot through the roof and I went into crazy mode. My parents tried to help, but none of us could appease her. I grabbed my phone and called her dad so he could hear the devastation that at the moment I blamed completely on him. I said something mean to him and started sobbing, I then threw my phone to my parents. Somehow we eventually got her calmed down.

My little boy was really young, and just barely starting to talk in sentences. The first month the main thing I noticed was he was constantly trying to comfort me. Anytime I cried he would come sit on my lap. In fact both kids smothered me with hugs and kisses all the time.

They are my rainbows. When I struggle to get up in the morning, they make me. When I struggle to make dinner, they yet again make me. They get me to church, and force me in the sunshine at least once or twice a day. Dancing and singing with my daughter and playing trains with my son have been the highlights of my life over the last year. We’ve had several zoo trips, gone paddle boarding, visited the aquarium, swam a lot, sledding and picked up countless rocks, leaves, and sticks on our many walks.

Over the last several months I’ve watched my children very closely and yes life is different, but ultimately they are happy. They laugh and give kisses. My little girl loves to craft and cook. My son loves trains, airplanes, and building. I’m impressed with how resilient they are.

I’ve thought a lot about King Benjamin and when he told his people to become like a child.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Mosiah 3:19

I’ve noticed everyone of these traits in my children the two I’ve noticed the most is “full of love” and “willing to submit to all things”.

My children are so full of love for me and their father (even though there are times I wish they’d hate him) . They are blessed with fabulous grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins whom they also love. My son is especially in love with his “bampa” (grandpa). He is the one person other than me that he’s willing to go to when he’s sad. They so effortless share love and so quickly forgive. When I tell them no and they get upset they head straight for my arms. It always baffles me as to why they do this when I’m the reason for their distress. I’ve come to realize it is because they love so freely.  Isn’t this something we should all practice with our Heavenly Father. So often have I yelled and been so angry with at Him for allowing me to go through this relentless trial. Sadly I’ve often resorted to building a wall around my heart and not letting him in to provide the comfort I so desperately need.

I’ve also noticed their willingness to submit to all things. Although you may think I’m crazy and wonder what kind of 2 and 4 year old would ever submit to anything, let me explain. Yes they do not submit to me very well when I tell them to clean their rooms or eat their dinner, but they submit to not giving in to anxieties and challenges. They live in the moment and they lean towards happiness no matter the situation. Think about it, how quickly does a sad toddler go from crying to laughing by their mommy pretending to be a lion and eating their toes, or when the tickle monster shows up and won’t stop until they’re squealing. It only takes a second. Yet again we need to follow their lead, and let go of the things we simply cannot change and find happiness in the moment. Easier said than done, I know.

Throughout this trial I’ve looked to my children countless times. Their smiles and laughter speak happiness to my soul and they encourage me to move forward and endure.

A few months ago, my little girl randomly came up to me and said “Mommy, can I say a prayer”, I quickly said “Of course sweetheart” and we both kneeled down. What she said next broke and strengthened my heart. Her simple prayer was “Dear Heavenly Father, help my mommy to be happy and not cry anymore. Amen.”  She gave me a hug and a kiss and ran off to play with toys. The strength, love and faith of my daughter made me realize I needed to choose happy. My situation is not easy and not what I want, but I can be happy. In fact it’s imperative for me to show my little children how Mommy can be happy during hard times.

Anytime I’m struggling I look at these two bright, shining faces and muster up the courage to endure. I love being their mommy and I love them both so much. I am blessed!