One year ago, I was confused, heartbroken, and questioning every aspect of my life. I no longer felt safe, in fact quite often I didn’t feel like I could breath. It’s a bizarre feeling, I didn’t feel dead, but yet I knew I wasn’t alive. There were moments where the pain was so strong I couldn’t hold back the tears. At these moments I’d hide. My children were always there and they had already seen enough. I’d find a place to be alone and sob. This crying was unlike any I had experienced before, for once I understood what wailing and gnashing of teeth must be. The sorrow went so deep, that I could no longer separate myself from the darkness and hopelessness consuming me. As much as I try I cannot adequately explain the depth of misery I was encompassed with.

Early on when I went straight to divorce, I remember my bishop telling me “time is on your side”, everyone told me time heals all things and not to rush. I was told to wait a year before making any big decisions. I was told pain was just a fleeting thing. I was even told by many people time would heal my marriage, and my husband would return to me. My brain could not fathom how any of these things could be true. The pain was too deep and too painful. The only word I can think of even somewhat expressing how the pain felt was consuming.

One year later, where am I now? Does the pain still hurt? Is it consuming? Do I have hope? The answers are alive, yes, at times and yes.

The pain of betrayal has not gone away nor lessened at all. I wish I could say differently but I’d only be lying. When I allow myself to dwell in the pain it consumes me. The moment my life changed often come crashing down on me and once again I find myself dizzy, nauseous, with my mind swirling.

What has changed? Time. The time between breakdowns has increased, the time I find myself happy has increased, and most importantly the time I have hope has increased. The pain is still there, but the times when it does not consume me is becoming longer.

Today I had a great day. I met my mom and sisters for breakfast and shopping. It was my sister’s birthday and I enjoyed spending time with them. As I looked at the women in my family (and my 2 month old niece), it brought me joy and sadness. Joy because I felt so loved by them and the trials of the last year has brought us closer. Sadness because it took a horrible trial to bring us to this place. At times we were having so much fun I forgot about my situation and at one point I pulled out my phone to text my husband and ask how they were doing. When I saw his name on the screen, reality set in and I slowly put it away. I know he would have responded, but its all different now. Everything so formal, short, and only about the kids. I miss the jokes, the love and the connection we once shared.

Time also provides new perspectives. This last year I’ve learned more about love, support, and loyalty than I could have imagined. Friends and family rallied to support me when I could not stand. Most of all my Heavenly Father and Jesus followed me. Through every tear, breakdown, pleadings, and lonely nights. They have been silent participants. So many times I begged to feel them near, and so many times I went to bed feeling empty. However looking back I see them there, it may have been a text from a friend, or a phone call from my family, or frequently it was a hug from my children.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you” John 14:18

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world give them, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” John 14:27

A year ago I despised everyone who mentioned the word “time” in reference to my healing, now I understand. I’ve made it a year. I’ve officially made it through all the firsts: Valentines, Easter, 4th of July, my wedding anniversary, Halloween, and Christmas. Everyone hard, but I did it, often through tears, nevertheless I did it. Time has not diminished the pain of betrayal and loss, however it has proven to me I am capable of doing hard things and given me hope for the future. Time has also given me so many experiences that although I don’t think I will ever be grateful for this trial, I am grateful for moments I’ve had because of this trial. Time is my friend and it is still on my side. My story is not over yet, and in time this chapter of heartache will only be one chapter.