My heart was racing fast and loud. Heavy breathing with tears streaming down my face. Slumped to the ground on the cold hard cement, the pain was too much to bear. My dad sat at the door begging me to come inside. I couldn’t! The thought of hearing his voice was too much. The words texted to me that lead to terror pulsating through my body were simply “Can I talk to the kids?”

Here was the man I loved and I wanted to scream and throw my phone against the wall, but my parents stopped me. It drove me crazy at the amount of compassion my parents had for the man who had just tainted my past, trampled all my dreams and tore a hole in my future. They convinced me to let my little girl talk to him, and I sent my sister down with the phone. I barely heard his voice and the storm inside me began. I needed out and ran to the porch. With nowhere to go on a snowy January evening, I just fell to the ground and sobbed.

I remember finally having the strength to go inside and kiss my little girl goodnight. Then for the second night in a row I climbed into bed with my mom. So confused how life could just fall apart so easily. I thought back to the beginning of December when we had a date, probably our last date.

When my husband was young, him and several members of his family were in a play called “The Christmas Carol” (I’m sure some of you have heard of it). We had always talked about going to it, but with little kids it was hard. His mom decided to come visit us and I jumped at the chance to have a free babysitter. I bought the tickets and was so excited for the night. When the night came something was wrong. My husband hardly talked to me on the way there and he felt distance. I kept trying to figure out what I’d done, or what possibly could have happened but nothing came to mind. We walked in found our seats and sat down, awkwardness returned.

My husband and I were usually somewhat affectionate, not overly but the usual hand on thigh or hand holding. Nothing…in fact both of our arms were folded the whole first half. During intermission we chatted and he casually told me a friend of his was getting divorced. Fear gripped my heart and the strangest thought came into my mind “Are we next?”

Where did that come from? We were definitely in a rut but divorce-I didn’t even think that was in our marriage vocabulary. I brushed it aside and blamed it on my crazy anxiety. I convinced myself the distance was all in my head and I reached for his hand and he took it. Thoroughly convinced I was crazy, we left the show and went out to eat. The mood had lightened and it turned into an enjoyable evening. However I was continually bugged by the thought.

In fact it brought to mind another evening where I had yet another ominous thought. One night when everyone was asleep except for my newborn baby and me. I was sitting on his floor rocking him. I had just fed him and he was asleep, but I couldn’t stop staring at his beautiful face. My body was begging me to go to bed knowing I’d only get 2 hours before I had to feed again, but I just couldn’t leave. Seconds later the thought came to my head “This will be your last baby”. Again I was shocked, we had planned on having 1 if not 2 more babies. I was so confused and started to cry. It turns out I’m really good at convincing myself I was crazy and after several minutes I told myself I’m just tired and letting my hormones get the best of me.

The night I was leaving my home and faced a blizzard on the road and in my heart to get to my parents, both moments came back to me. Sadly I knew they were both warnings and the Lord’s attempt of preparing my heart to handle the possibility of both of those things becoming reality. They were subtle which I’m grateful for, but in the end they were powerful reminders of God’s ability to prepare your path.

“And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” D&C 84:42

I’m still hoping neither one of those thoughts become a reality. I know they were impressions from God, but neither one felt definitive. If anything I felt like he was preparing my heart for the choices that would quickly come to pass. I still have no idea where my path is going, however I’m so grateful the Lord has gone before me and prepared my way. He has dropped in all sorts of tender mercies along the way. I’m also grateful for the angels he has sent. I’ve made reference to them before, and although at times I have felt so alone through all of this, looking back I know I never was.