Tonight I feel like a fraud, an imposter, possibly even a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I want to be the person who has faith, and hope. Yet I’m so far from it. At times the strength is there and at other times I lose all sight of who I am and what I want.

Amidst my own month long sickness, my child’s 104.6 degree fever, a movie that horribly triggered me, the year mark coming up next Saturday, and just my own exhaustion from carrying the burden of the last year, tonight I broke. I mean really broke. Desperation broke, ugly crying broke, begging and pleading broke, to the point I even think I’m crazy. Ha- it would be so much easier if I was.

The weekend started out fine and I was actually excited about it, until I got a phone call during work saying my little boy had a fever. Fear set in. All I can think is that one of Satan’s evil little minions saw a crack and crept right in. From this moment on a horrible feeling swept over me and I haven’t been able to shake it, all I knew is something horrible was going to happen.

I picked my son up as soon as I could and brought him home. Medicine quickly worked its’ magic and he was once again playing like normal. We played until it was time for them to leave. Sometimes I can let them go easily and other times it’s like a dagger to the heart that is then twisted around and around, ensuring my heart is completely shredded. Friday’s departure was the latter. I told myself it was just my anxiety since my son was sick, I reminded myself that the kids’ dad really does love them and he’ll do everything to protect them. I went on with my evening, but I could feel that little devil inside wriggling away at my soul. Little did I know I was going to be on the losing side of this battle (luckily the war is still raging).

I spent Friday evening with some fabulous friends and we went to dinner and a movie- perfect date night (ha ha). The horrible feeling kept eating away at me and kept shouting at me all through the movie. Every weakness of mine, every pain, every frustration was being displayed on the movie screen. The problem was the movie ended with a happily ever after.The man realized his mistakes and ran back to his family. I felt jaded. My thoughts were “well she’s prettier than me”, “she’s skinnier than me”, and “she was just a better wife”.

Failing to notice my own trigger points, I just kept swirling and making up stories in my head. Over the last few months my therapist and I have been working on my inability to reach out for help when the problem is small. I have a tendency to shove it inside until it explodes. This was prevalent in my marriage even though I didn’t see it at the time.

I was restless Friday night and couldn’t sleep. Saturday morning should have been great. I went to a massage with a friend and then to lunch. Yet again this little devil was on the move. “You’re just not worth it”, “This is all what you deserve”, and “You can’t do this” kept running through my mind.

My head began pounding and by the time I made it home I felt so defeated. I canceled the rest of my plans for the day and tried to just relax. I even took an anti-anxiety pill which did little. A few hours later, my husband called and said our son’s fever was now up to 104.6. All my resolve left, and crazy took over. We met at the emergency room where I snatched up my lethargic little boy. Waiting for the doctor, desperation filled my heart and hate started creeping in. The worst part is I let it. The devil inside was once again speaking lies “this is all his fault” and “he should have been home with you”. I could hardly look at my husband for fear of my horrible thoughts slipping out. By the time we were discharged I was in complete desperation mode.

Hopeless, I felt so hopeless and so very alone. I had both kids, while their dad stopped by the store. He then stopped by to pick my daughter up and take her to his home. At this moment I lost it- I pleaded, I begged, I accused and spilled out all the thoughts I had that day plus so much more. I was searching for a fix, I was begging for love from someone who can’t or at least doesn’t want to give it.

After they left that little devil had full control of me. I sobbed holding my little boy as we watched Curious George. I sobbed to friends as I was pleading for help. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, but then I still didn’t want to listen either. I quickly found someone to give both my son and I a blessing. Then 2 friends listened as I continued to beat myself up.

Oh what a fraud- what an imposter I must be. For the last few weeks I’ve been writing on here making it sound like I’m strong, but I am not. I am scared, I am weak and I am lonely.

I am not writing this for pity. I am writing it for honesty. I am writing it so I can keep writing on this blog and not feel like I’m deceiving anyone who may read any of my posts. I am writing it to allow myself to let it go.

Satan is a great deceiver. I once had a friend tell me he sends his female devils to the women of this world. These devils know just what it takes to break us down, they appeal to all of our weaknesses and make us forget our strengths. I write tonight embarrassed and exhausted. Embarrassed because I let them win yet again, and exhausted because this is such a hard fight.

Alright all that being said- tomorrow I’ll go back to looking for the rainbow. Thanks for letting me write unfiltered.