One year ago, I was confused, heartbroken, and questioning every aspect of my life. I no longer felt safe, in fact quite often I didn’t feel like I could breath. It’s a bizarre feeling, I didn’t feel dead, but yet I knew I wasn’t alive. There were moments where the pain was so strong I couldn’t hold back the tears. At these moments I’d hide. My children were always there and they had already seen enough. I’d find a place to be alone and sob. This crying was unlike any I had experienced before, for once I understood what wailing and gnashing of teeth must be. The sorrow went so deep, that I could no longer separate myself from the darkness and hopelessness consuming me. As much as I try I cannot adequately explain the depth of misery I was encompassed with.

Early on when I went straight to divorce, I remember my bishop telling me “time is on your side”, everyone told me time heals all things and not to rush. I was told to wait a year before making any big decisions. I was told pain was just a fleeting thing. I was even told by many people time would heal my marriage, and my husband would return to me. My brain could not fathom how any of these things could be true. The pain was too deep and too painful. The only word I can think of even somewhat expressing how the pain felt was consuming.

One year later, where am I now? Does the pain still hurt? Is it consuming? Do I have hope? The answers are alive, yes, at times and yes.

The pain of betrayal has not gone away nor lessened at all. I wish I could say differently but I’d only be lying. When I allow myself to dwell in the pain it consumes me. The moment my life changed often come crashing down on me and once again I find myself dizzy, nauseous, with my mind swirling.

What has changed? Time. The time between breakdowns has increased, the time I find myself happy has increased, and most importantly the time I have hope has increased. The pain is still there, but the times when it does not consume me is becoming longer.

Today I had a great day. I met my mom and sisters for breakfast and shopping. It was my sister’s birthday and I enjoyed spending time with them. As I looked at the women in my family (and my 2 month old niece), it brought me joy and sadness. Joy because I felt so loved by them and the trials of the last year has brought us closer. Sadness because it took a horrible trial to bring us to this place. At times we were having so much fun I forgot about my situation and at one point I pulled out my phone to text my husband and ask how they were doing. When I saw his name on the screen, reality set in and I slowly put it away. I know he would have responded, but its all different now. Everything so formal, short, and only about the kids. I miss the jokes, the love and the connection we once shared.

Time also provides new perspectives. This last year I’ve learned more about love, support, and loyalty than I could have imagined. Friends and family rallied to support me when I could not stand. Most of all my Heavenly Father and Jesus followed me. Through every tear, breakdown, pleadings, and lonely nights. They have been silent participants. So many times I begged to feel them near, and so many times I went to bed feeling empty. However looking back I see them there, it may have been a text from a friend, or a phone call from my family, or frequently it was a hug from my children.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you” John 14:18

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world give them, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” John 14:27

A year ago I despised everyone who mentioned the word “time” in reference to my healing, now I understand. I’ve made it a year. I’ve officially made it through all the firsts: Valentines, Easter, 4th of July, my wedding anniversary, Halloween, and Christmas. Everyone hard, but I did it, often through tears, nevertheless I did it. Time has not diminished the pain of betrayal and loss, however it has proven to me I am capable of doing hard things and given me hope for the future. Time has also given me so many experiences that although I don’t think I will ever be grateful for this trial, I am grateful for moments I’ve had because of this trial. Time is my friend and it is still on my side. My story is not over yet, and in time this chapter of heartache will only be one chapter.

Life is always changing and this last year has brought a LOT of changes. One of the biggest changes has been me. For 6.5 years I had been a wife, for 5 years I had been a mom. I loved both roles so much and as time went on I let them define me. I was so entwined with my family that I rarely took time for me. I was always playing with kids, making dinner, grocery shopping, changing diapers, and rocking babies. When I wasn’t playing mommy, I was playing wife. I loved making my husband happy and often spent a lot of time on Pinterest trying to find ways to strengthen our relationship.

Little did I know a deep dark storm was secretly stewing just below the surface. In one night so much changed and with it so did I. I felt as if the puzzle of me was dropped and as I tried to put it back together the pieces no longer fit in the same way.

In an instant my role as wife was taken from me, and I went from being a mom with a partner to being one without. I also lost some control over what my children did, ate and who they met. 50% of the time they were gone and I was left alone.

Being home alone was heartbreaking and just too quiet. Luckily I had friends who kept me busy. I went from having a few mommy friends to having a few best friends. So many friends came out of the woodwork and offered me so much love  and support.

One friend kept me going when I lost all hope. She dragged me to church and to therapy. She NEVER let me forget I was worth it and I could do hard things. She’s still sending me uplifting quotes and inviting us to dinner.

A friend and I started a business which has been such a blessing to me. It has given me so much hope that one day I will be able to stay home with my kids and still support us. The business took us to LA to meet with wholesalers. This was my first trip without my husband in 8 years. The best part has been the friendship we’ve built that I know we never would have if all this had not happened.

Another friend kept me busy and active. She took me rock climbing, painting, and biking. We spent a weekend in Park City visiting art museums, swimming and playing outdoors. I hadn’t done any of these things for years and it was so nice to let myself go and try new things.

A previous co-worker also jumped into the mix. We had stayed in touch over the year, and got together several times a year. We always had fun together, but she lived over 40 minutes away. The distance didn’t phase her at all and she came up once or twice a month to have a girls night with me. We also started getting our kids together more.

These were not the only friends who rescued me. So many of my neighbors jumped right in to help me take care of my kids, house and lift me up when I was ready to give up.

Piece by piece my puzzle started to come together. It was different and not what I wanted. Many times I rebelled and shoved it aside. Family and friends helped me pull it back out and try again. The puzzle is far from complete and I still can’t see what it will look like. At times I still try to make it fit together like it used to, other times I can see glimpses of what it might be.

My Heavenly Father has been there through it all. Even though I often felt like he wasn’t. I now can see he was silently putting pieces together when I couldn’t. On this journey of figuring out who I am, I’m so blessed to have so many people join me and at times drag me.

My heart was racing fast and loud. Heavy breathing with tears streaming down my face. Slumped to the ground on the cold hard cement, the pain was too much to bear. My dad sat at the door begging me to come inside. I couldn’t! The thought of hearing his voice was too much. The words texted to me that lead to terror pulsating through my body were simply “Can I talk to the kids?”

Here was the man I loved and I wanted to scream and throw my phone against the wall, but my parents stopped me. It drove me crazy at the amount of compassion my parents had for the man who had just tainted my past, trampled all my dreams and tore a hole in my future. They convinced me to let my little girl talk to him, and I sent my sister down with the phone. I barely heard his voice and the storm inside me began. I needed out and ran to the porch. With nowhere to go on a snowy January evening, I just fell to the ground and sobbed.

I remember finally having the strength to go inside and kiss my little girl goodnight. Then for the second night in a row I climbed into bed with my mom. So confused how life could just fall apart so easily. I thought back to the beginning of December when we had a date, probably our last date.

When my husband was young, him and several members of his family were in a play called “The Christmas Carol” (I’m sure some of you have heard of it). We had always talked about going to it, but with little kids it was hard. His mom decided to come visit us and I jumped at the chance to have a free babysitter. I bought the tickets and was so excited for the night. When the night came something was wrong. My husband hardly talked to me on the way there and he felt distance. I kept trying to figure out what I’d done, or what possibly could have happened but nothing came to mind. We walked in found our seats and sat down, awkwardness returned.

My husband and I were usually somewhat affectionate, not overly but the usual hand on thigh or hand holding. Nothing…in fact both of our arms were folded the whole first half. During intermission we chatted and he casually told me a friend of his was getting divorced. Fear gripped my heart and the strangest thought came into my mind “Are we next?”

Where did that come from? We were definitely in a rut but divorce-I didn’t even think that was in our marriage vocabulary. I brushed it aside and blamed it on my crazy anxiety. I convinced myself the distance was all in my head and I reached for his hand and he took it. Thoroughly convinced I was crazy, we left the show and went out to eat. The mood had lightened and it turned into an enjoyable evening. However I was continually bugged by the thought.

In fact it brought to mind another evening where I had yet another ominous thought. One night when everyone was asleep except for my newborn baby and me. I was sitting on his floor rocking him. I had just fed him and he was asleep, but I couldn’t stop staring at his beautiful face. My body was begging me to go to bed knowing I’d only get 2 hours before I had to feed again, but I just couldn’t leave. Seconds later the thought came to my head “This will be your last baby”. Again I was shocked, we had planned on having 1 if not 2 more babies. I was so confused and started to cry. It turns out I’m really good at convincing myself I was crazy and after several minutes I told myself I’m just tired and letting my hormones get the best of me.

The night I was leaving my home and faced a blizzard on the road and in my heart to get to my parents, both moments came back to me. Sadly I knew they were both warnings and the Lord’s attempt of preparing my heart to handle the possibility of both of those things becoming reality. They were subtle which I’m grateful for, but in the end they were powerful reminders of God’s ability to prepare your path.

“And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” D&C 84:42

I’m still hoping neither one of those thoughts become a reality. I know they were impressions from God, but neither one felt definitive. If anything I felt like he was preparing my heart for the choices that would quickly come to pass. I still have no idea where my path is going, however I’m so grateful the Lord has gone before me and prepared my way. He has dropped in all sorts of tender mercies along the way. I’m also grateful for the angels he has sent. I’ve made reference to them before, and although at times I have felt so alone through all of this, looking back I know I never was.

“Through the great miracle of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He will give your heart back to you HEALED and WHOLE.”   -Jeffrey R. Holland

My son has had more than his share of physical issues in his short lifetime. Nothing major-just consistent. At 3 months I started to notice he had a flat spot developing on his head, despite all my efforts he ended up in a helmet by 6 months. From 6 months to 9 months he had 5 ear infections, 3 colds and RSV. At 11 months he had his first minor surgery to put tubes in his ears. Even with tubes he had ear infections 3-4 times in the following few months.

Just before his 1st birthday, I took him to an orthopedic surgeon due to an extreme bow in his leg. He was trying so hard to walk at the time, and I was heart broken to find out he had a broken leg! The doctor figured it was simply a stress fracture from his bowed leg. It took another 6 months to finally figure out what was causing the bow in his leg, and then at 18 months old he had another surgery  in an attempt to straighten his left leg. A year after the surgery it appears to be working and we’re looking forward to the next and hopefully last surgery in a few months.

In addition to all the above, he also has a severe food allergy to eggs (including baked) as well a moderate allergy to nuts. His Allergist basically said there was no treatment and elimination was our only option for now. I refused to believe and began researching and talking to other people. I was recommended to a treatment called NAET. It’s holistic and sounded crazy, but I trusted those who referred me and we began treatments. Almost 2 months later (this week), he was able to eat half a doughnut, a whole muffin and half a cookie with no reaction. This is nothing short of a miracle.

My point is the body is amazing and has the wonderful ability to heal, sometimes with modern medicine and sometimes without. Emotional, mental and spiritual healing can often be more difficult.

During my first pregnancy is when my first bout of anxiety began. It all started with nightmares, several times a month I had dreams of people I loved dying. Every time I woke up in tears. When my daughter was born I struggled with being a new mom and having this little thing so dependent on me. It was so intense that I couldn’t even call her by name for the first month of her life, she was just baby. Nursing was difficult and almost impossible which brought on added stress and I just couldn’t lose weight. I started back to work when she was 2 months old and then the mommy guilt set in. I hid all of this from my husband and loved ones. After my son was born it continued and began to worsen. I tried herbal remedies, exercising, eating healthy yet nothing worked.

When last January came and with it that traumatizing night, I finally gave in and went to the doctor. Not knowing what my future held and thinking about what kind of marriage I actually had set me off into a whole new world of anxiety. Insomnia, panic attacks, rapid heart rate, dizziness and a whole lot of tears soon became my norm. I didn’t know how I could heal from the devastating aftermath of my husbands confessions. Heartbroken I met with doctors, bishops, and therapists trying to make sense of it all. I just wanted to feel better and be normal again. Six months later I still found myself spiraling farther and farther down. I was being triggered right and left and almost gave up on so many things in my life.

Almost at the year mark, I’ve learned healing takes time. Healing takes surrendering your heart, desires, basically your whole life over to the lord and then wait. Waiting has been the hardest part. Day to day doesn’t feel much better, but I promise you there is movement sometimes forward and sometimes backward. There is hope but it takes time, effort and a lot of patience. I wake up every morning and tell myself “Today is not the day to give up”.

I am worth waiting to be healed and whole, you are worth waiting to be healed and whole.

 

 

Tonight I feel like a fraud, an imposter, possibly even a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I want to be the person who has faith, and hope. Yet I’m so far from it. At times the strength is there and at other times I lose all sight of who I am and what I want.

Amidst my own month long sickness, my child’s 104.6 degree fever, a movie that horribly triggered me, the year mark coming up next Saturday, and just my own exhaustion from carrying the burden of the last year, tonight I broke. I mean really broke. Desperation broke, ugly crying broke, begging and pleading broke, to the point I even think I’m crazy. Ha- it would be so much easier if I was.

The weekend started out fine and I was actually excited about it, until I got a phone call during work saying my little boy had a fever. Fear set in. All I can think is that one of Satan’s evil little minions saw a crack and crept right in. From this moment on a horrible feeling swept over me and I haven’t been able to shake it, all I knew is something horrible was going to happen.

I picked my son up as soon as I could and brought him home. Medicine quickly worked its’ magic and he was once again playing like normal. We played until it was time for them to leave. Sometimes I can let them go easily and other times it’s like a dagger to the heart that is then twisted around and around, ensuring my heart is completely shredded. Friday’s departure was the latter. I told myself it was just my anxiety since my son was sick, I reminded myself that the kids’ dad really does love them and he’ll do everything to protect them. I went on with my evening, but I could feel that little devil inside wriggling away at my soul. Little did I know I was going to be on the losing side of this battle (luckily the war is still raging).

I spent Friday evening with some fabulous friends and we went to dinner and a movie- perfect date night (ha ha). The horrible feeling kept eating away at me and kept shouting at me all through the movie. Every weakness of mine, every pain, every frustration was being displayed on the movie screen. The problem was the movie ended with a happily ever after.The man realized his mistakes and ran back to his family. I felt jaded. My thoughts were “well she’s prettier than me”, “she’s skinnier than me”, and “she was just a better wife”.

Failing to notice my own trigger points, I just kept swirling and making up stories in my head. Over the last few months my therapist and I have been working on my inability to reach out for help when the problem is small. I have a tendency to shove it inside until it explodes. This was prevalent in my marriage even though I didn’t see it at the time.

I was restless Friday night and couldn’t sleep. Saturday morning should have been great. I went to a massage with a friend and then to lunch. Yet again this little devil was on the move. “You’re just not worth it”, “This is all what you deserve”, and “You can’t do this” kept running through my mind.

My head began pounding and by the time I made it home I felt so defeated. I canceled the rest of my plans for the day and tried to just relax. I even took an anti-anxiety pill which did little. A few hours later, my husband called and said our son’s fever was now up to 104.6. All my resolve left, and crazy took over. We met at the emergency room where I snatched up my lethargic little boy. Waiting for the doctor, desperation filled my heart and hate started creeping in. The worst part is I let it. The devil inside was once again speaking lies “this is all his fault” and “he should have been home with you”. I could hardly look at my husband for fear of my horrible thoughts slipping out. By the time we were discharged I was in complete desperation mode.

Hopeless, I felt so hopeless and so very alone. I had both kids, while their dad stopped by the store. He then stopped by to pick my daughter up and take her to his home. At this moment I lost it- I pleaded, I begged, I accused and spilled out all the thoughts I had that day plus so much more. I was searching for a fix, I was begging for love from someone who can’t or at least doesn’t want to give it.

After they left that little devil had full control of me. I sobbed holding my little boy as we watched Curious George. I sobbed to friends as I was pleading for help. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, but then I still didn’t want to listen either. I quickly found someone to give both my son and I a blessing. Then 2 friends listened as I continued to beat myself up.

Oh what a fraud- what an imposter I must be. For the last few weeks I’ve been writing on here making it sound like I’m strong, but I am not. I am scared, I am weak and I am lonely.

I am not writing this for pity. I am writing it for honesty. I am writing it so I can keep writing on this blog and not feel like I’m deceiving anyone who may read any of my posts. I am writing it to allow myself to let it go.

Satan is a great deceiver. I once had a friend tell me he sends his female devils to the women of this world. These devils know just what it takes to break us down, they appeal to all of our weaknesses and make us forget our strengths. I write tonight embarrassed and exhausted. Embarrassed because I let them win yet again, and exhausted because this is such a hard fight.

Alright all that being said- tomorrow I’ll go back to looking for the rainbow. Thanks for letting me write unfiltered.

“Mommy can we dance now”, my five year old little girl asked. I looked around at the still crowded dark theater and then up to the big screen where the credits were scrolling through. My internal battle between my head and heart started.

Head: “NO! you just don’t do that here”

Heart: “Why not, look at her face how can you say no”

Head: “How embarrassing, what will others think”

Heart: “What kind of mom do you want to be, the kind that tells your daughter no you won’t dance with her?”

My heart was right and so was my daughter. I got down on my knees (so I wouldn’t disturb those reading the credits- at least that’s what I told myself), and started to twirl my daughter. She did some awesome dance moves that she definitely did not learn from her very uncoordinated Mom. Her brother soon followed and we danced right there in the front row of a crowded movie theater. It ended too quickly and we left. I kept thinking about my initial thought  “you just don’t do that”. Where did that come from? I was terrified I almost passed it on to my daughter. I vowed right then and there I would never turn down a dance.

My daughter loves to dance and she’s so excited to start Ballet and Tap tomorrow. As I pulled out her dance clothes tonight, I thought back to all the times I danced as a little girl. I realized every time I danced either as a child, or now with my kids I end up smiling. I believe dancing is the closest thing to magic.

How many times do we tell ourselves “that just isn’t done” or “what will people think”? Why do we do this?

This past year has taught me the importance of getting to know me and finding my voice. Doing things for me has been hard but rewarding. I’ve gone rock climbing, biking, and even taken painting and cooking classes. A friend and I went up to Park City without kids and road the Alpine Slide, went to Art boutiques, and went swimming. All things just because we wanted to.

My goal this year is to continue this process of rediscovering who I am. The first thing I’ll do is to dance with my kids or even by myself at least once a day. Anyone want to join me? I dare you to try and dance without smiling or even laughing.

 

 

You are ENOUGH You are SO ENOUGH! It’s UNBELIEVABLE how ENOUGH you are!!!

One of the hardest things I struggle with is the feeling I’m not enough. I am not enough as a mother, sister, daughter, friend, Mormon, and most of all a wife. This is something I battle with daily, and especially on the nights I’m alone. Being alone was simply not something I should deal with. I got married and had kids, just like every good little Mormon girl should. What did I do wrong? Nothing I tell myself. Absolutely nothing. I am in no ways claiming I am perfect, but I try oh boy do I try.

As a little girl my mom always went all out for Holidays. I remember she pulled the china out for Valentine’s Day, dyed mashed potatoes green for St. Patrick’s Day, spent hours making just the right costumes for Halloween, and wrapped every single present in our stockings for Christmas. As a wife and mom I try to follow her example. My husband loves holidays as well and I tried to make every one special. I remember our first Valentine’s Day after our wedding, I tediously attempted to make a red velvet cheesecake cake. I do like to bake, yet never had I EVER even done a double layer cake, so I must have been crazy taking on a quadruple layer cake (is quadruple even a word?).

My husband always treated me special as well and that night he made a delicious dinner and brought me flowers. I was happy and this was all I ever wanted. Throughout our entire marriage I just wanted to make him happy and to support him. I even remember at one point offering to refinance our home for him to start a business. So I knew I didn’t do anything wrong, so the only answer was that I was not enough. I was not enough to love, not enough to trust, and most of all not enough to try.

For Christmas this year, my mom helped my little girl fill a stocking for me. Inside was a little box and the box held the most perfect present. A simple necklace with the words YOU ARE ENOUGH. On the back an inscription read Love, Dad and Mom. A simple gift yet, it spoke to me. It told me I was enough. All the months of telling myself the opposite came crashing down and laid broken on the floor. I am enough.

I was about 8 or 9 and had recently received a bike, and a beautiful sparkly bike lock. We lived close to our elementary school and I remember one day my friends and I begged our parents to let us ride our bikes to school. Overjoyed once they agreed, we set off. It was so freeing and grown-up to ride to school, plus it took less than half the time to get there so we had more time to play hands-up stands-up before the bell rang.

Once at school I pulled my beautiful bike lock out and secured my bike. My OCD nature made me check it and then recheck it before running off to play. After school ended, I went out to my bike and found my lock missing. My bike was there and to most kids that would be all that mattered. However I loved my lock and my innocent little heart couldn’t comprehend why anyone would steal it.

I drove home in tears, and even my friends couldn’t understand why. I walked into my house, straight past my mom who was on the phone, and went into my brother’s room. Seconds later my mom walked in and asked what was wrong. With tears pouring my face, I told her the story and despite how silly I’m sure it sounded she just held me. I realized to her I was enough, my feelings mattered. In fact they mattered enough that she immediately ended her phone call and dropped everything for me.

There is enough heartache in the world, we don’t need to pile it on ourselves. Stop relying on others to find your worth, but if you do at least look to those who truly love you and know you. Look to those who stand by you, who trust you, and who want to be with you. Leave the rest of the world to sit in their unhappiness. I am enough, and so are you!

Last New Years my husband and I put the kids to bed (they were too young to care), cuddled on the couch and watched a super cheesy Christmas movie. When the movie ended we played games, first Monopoly which I won and then Blokus which he repeatedly won. When the ball dropped we kissed, and later in bed I had an overwhelming feeling that 2017 was not going to be my year. I quickly thought I was crazy and went to sleep.

Sadly the feeling quickly became reality.  My husband woke up with his cheek swollen and in pain. We watched it all day and by the evening he felt it was getting worse. We contacted a doctor through webcam, who told us to immediately go to the hospital for imaging. Feeling slightly silly we showed up at the ER. They sent him for imaging thinking it was nothing major, and we waited. It actually turned out to be a fun and very late night. We talked and joked. Teased about this being our first date of the year and probably the most expensive. He ended up having a very rare and serious infection which easily could have traveled to the brain. The doctor gave him a high dose of antibiotics through an IV, and then sent us home. The infection cleared up pretty quickly and we felt blessed we had caught it in time. The thought then came back to me that 2017 just wasn’t going to be my year.

A lot has happened including marital strife, a totaled car, and stolen credit cards just to name a few.  My feeling proved to be 100% true. Ironically 2 days ago, the second to last day of the year, was yet another ER visit. This time for my 2 year old son who decided it was a good idea to put a bead up his nose. The doctor easily removed it and all is well.

A lot of good things happened in 2017, but I have to say I’m so relieved it is over. While everyone else was counting down to Christmas, I was counting down to 2018. When midnight hit, I anxiously awaited the ominous feeling I had last year. The only thing I felt was peace and hope. Peace that I was exactly where I needed to be and hope for the New Year. Needless to say I’m excited for 2018. I know my trials and heartache hasn’t ended, but I have NOT given up yet!

Dear 2018, Bring it on! Let’s see what you got for me!